Finding great love

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The journey to finding love, finding great love can often be long, unpredictable and frustrating. Often, I catch the kid in myself asking “Are we there yet?” 

If you’re a great believer in love such as myself, you will have no doubt experienced the set-backs, the dates that seemed so amazing and made your heart flip; yet led to no where, the people who you felt you really had connection (true connection) with; but never contacted you back, the people who you felt you could really be yourself with, turn around as soon as you open your heart.

Yep, trust me, I’ve been there, this year more than other years. But I still have hope, and I believe you can too.

If you think about it, the dating world is changing rapidly. The old ‘you get the movie tickets, I’ll get the popcorn’ dates no longer exist, or even if they do, the people are most likely from a generation different to today’s. Today, the shift in dating has moved more to social media, to text, to ‘let’s get a drink after work’. It’s more focused on flexibility, and casualty, rather than 1-1s and privacy. Look at the couple next to you, they’re most likely on their phones.

While this change has cultivated a culture of ‘speed dating’ and dating more than 1 person at once, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Fear not, we can actually thrive in this environment, let me explain.

In order to increase our chances of finding great love, we must increase the potential number of candidates. That means, getting out there in the ‘fast-paced’ dating world and date as many people as you can, from as many different backgrounds, culture. This not only increases our knowledge, but it also teaches us how to effectively communicate with people in this multicultural society. 

See it not as ‘dating many people at once’, but rather what I like to call ‘Sampling the freebies’. Have you ever gone to the supermarket and the sales rep is introducing a new product (let’s say a new biscuit range), and offers you a few flavours to try. You try, and there might be one flavour you like, others that gross you out, or there may be non that you like. So you can choose to either purchase, or walk away, or even the option of ‘I’ll think about it…’ You see, this is the same in dating.

You must try the samples in the dating pool. However, in the same way that you know you don’t have to commit, don’t think that other people must commit to you either. In some-what similar way, just as people have different taste preferences when it comes to food, they also have different ‘tastes’ when it comes to dating. Qualities you like in yourself might not be qualities others like in you. Don’t be discouraged by this fact. It is life and it is actually a great determinant. Think about it, would you want to date someone who didn’t put you as first preference? (I hope not).

Ultimately, my point is this. Continue putting yourselves out there my friends… don’t do it with the expectation to find great love (at least not at first), but do it to expand your perception, your knowledge and your ability to socialise with people from diverse backgrounds.

Do it because you are a student of life; and you are curious about this wonderful world that we live in.

With love, 

E

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11/12/13

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Today, is the last day we will see three consecutive numbers line up for 90 years

So what are you waiting for? Seize today as if it’s your last day. 

Go out there and make bold moves, talk to strangers, try a new food, sign up to a new activity.

Time may be running out… but we always have a choice to make the most out of every single day. So if you haven’t started already… make today your first.

 

E

How productive are you with your love…life?

For all of you out there who has heard of David Allen, and read his amazing book on Getting Things Done (GTD) and are familiar with the GTD approach – kudos to you.

For all of you who hasn’t… you’re in for a surprise awakening:

The talk David gives is mainly based on how to sort out the ‘messy’ in your life, into the simple, calm and ‘I got this under control’. From a wider perspective, it can bring a lot of benefits to our lives, where David teaches us to get everything out of our heads, and onto paper, or some sort of note taking device. Afterwards, you must revisit it, and develop some kind of ‘mind map’ as to how you are to achieve your task/goal.

For David personally, he has no distinguish between what we often label as ‘personal’ vs. ‘work’ life. Everything in his world is as one, and he ensures he reaches his ultimate goals (big or small) by planning, revisiting and being proactive.

You may wonder up to this point why I am introducing him and the GTD concept to you. I’m doing it because although many of you may perceive your love lives being some sort of a ‘fairy tale’ and that it’s suppose to just ‘happen’; reality is, it doesn’t. Instead, it requires constant attention, effort, and a lot of re-work. I’m a huge believer in being a ‘do-er’ as opposed to a ‘waiter’. What I mean by this is I’m empowered to go out there and achieve things that benefit my love life, than sitting around on my ass and waiting for some perfect person to sweep me off my feet. It may have happened once in Cinderella, twice in The Notebook, but trust me, it ain’t going to happen to you… any time soon.

So, following one of David’s methods, we can surely fast track our love lives and improve our chances at finding love by ‘scheduling’ our love lives into different ‘tasks’. Examples are as below:

1. Scheduling time to groom yourself in the morning – if waking up 15 minutes early means you’ll be able to look/feel better when you leave the house, lock that time into your alarm and WAKE UP.

2. Scheduling time to exercise – exercise not only improves your physical, but also mental health. Find the time in your ‘busy’ calendar and JUST DO IT (Nike pun intended).

3. Scheduling time to do new activities – whether this is joining a kickboxing class, or finally facing your fear of sky diving, it will 100% benefit you in improving your confidence; allow you to meet more people (potentially your lover), give you more to talk about in conversations and make you see how wonderful/exhilarating life can be. So whatever it is you’ve always wanted to do; LOCK IT IN.

4. Scheduling time to go out with your friends – I know many of you think you go out each week with your best buddies anyway, but this is so much more than that. Plan ahead, decide where you’re going to go, rather than waiting around and only organizing last minute on Friday nights to realize that 1) people aren’t as available as you are 2) you ahve no idea where to go. Plan ahead, try new places and BE ADVENTUROUS.

5. Scheduling time for your family – Have you been so confused by your love life you have forgotten what is most important? The form of love is not only the one we have for our partners, but the type of love we have for those who raised us; the love we take for granted. Learn to BE GRATEFUL.

6. Scheduling time to read – similar to no. 3, this activity will not only increase your knowledge for your own benefit, but it will be hugely impressive when you bring up that you know who Mozart is and how he only raised to fame after his passing and how despite his talent, he was never really rich. Get started on that book you’ve never gotten around to and ENJOY IT.

7. Scheduling time to be a YES person; to attend networking events, seminars, social functions… anything and everything  that you have been invited to. This is the best time for you to be putting yourself out there and create opportunities for yourself. This is how we meet new people, and in the prospect of events, potentially meet the love of our lives. Don’t be lazy and SAY YES.

8. Scheduling time to organize yourself; your calendar, your tasks; your life. Sounds like a mouthful but literally write down every single thing that you are doing currently/scheduled to do in the future. Not only will it release your stress, but it will also help you put things into PERSPECTIVE.

9. Scheduling time to smile more – don’t be walking around everyday with a sulky face. No one wants to see that, you don’t want to see someone else with that. Lock in time, whether it’s the walk from the bus stop to work, or when you step into your office. Be mindful of your facial expression and remind yourself nothing is too complicated and so BE HAPPY.

10. Scheduling time to put yourself out there – this is a tricky one and it comes with an increase in confidence. You will never grow if you have never failed. You will never learn if you have never been told you are wrong. And you will certainly never progress if you have never been pushed down. Hence, mini tasks such as saying hello to 3 random people you meet today, or initiating a conversation with the girl/guy who makes your coffee in the morning… as long as you’re putting yourself out there and reminding yourself progress is in the form of taking BABY STEPS.

The list I gave above are only 10 things in which you can actively pursue by writing it down on paper/or electronically on your calendar and putting it somewhere where you can see/revisit/be reminded from time to time. Despite a lot of those being big ‘meaty’ tasks which requires a lot of thought/courage/time, it’s not so daunting if you learn to break it down to steps-by-steps. Big tasks are just many mini tasks, always remember that.

Finally, the most important thing is to commit to the tasks you’ve put down on paper. This is not grade 3, we don’t have time to be waiting around for the teacher to tell us what to do; what is right or what is wrong. This is the time for us to be adults, to be conscious of time, and to get proactive in making things happen for ourselves and our love lives.

 

Love,

E

THE BEST DATING SECRET YOU’LL EVER HEAR (PART II)

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In my previous post: https://lovethedatinggame.wordpress.com/2013/11/15/the-best-dating-secret-youll-ever-hear-part-i/ I wrote about how men and women misread signs from each other, and also the reasons why many are unsuccessful at dating because they either

1) Mis-read the signs from the opposite sex

2) Indulge in self-doubt

3) Place too much emphasis on the result

In this post, I would like to talk about point number 2

Self-doubt (noun): lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities. This simple meaning derived from a Google search summarizes the biggest problem of today’s generation – people do not have the belief, faith, and confidence in themselves. This may be a result of the media and advertising telling us we’re too fat, too anorexic, too tall, too short.. eating away at what little confidence we have left. 

But, I’d like to think that whilst it has a part to do with external factors, it’s large attributed to us, and our self control in allowing what can affect us. And based on that, it’s time to revisit what is really important – our core values. Our core values are what we hold important to us, and what we like to hold others accountable for. Examples are such:

1. Trustworthy, dependable, loyal, committed, consistent

2. Loving, caring, honest, fun-loving

3. Humorous, adventurous, positive, optimistic

4. Inspiring, passionate, courageous, educated

If you remeasure yourself against some of the values listed above, do you find yourself smiling a lot more? This is because we have got to stop focusing on our exterior and pay more attention to our interior, the ‘stuff’ that really matters. Learn to tell yourself everyday that you tick so many boxes on these core values and that is how you become more confident, and in turn, say goodbye to that self-doubt.

NB: I just want to make a clarification here on the difference between indulging in self-doubt and indulging in vulnerability. The former is about being your own enemy and not engaging in self-love. The later is about acknowledging that you are not perfect (and it’s OK no one is), and embracing imperfection, and having the courage to admit to it, and still love yourself. Author and researcher Brene Brown does a fantastic talk on this topic, you can find her TedTalk here: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

By practicing talking positive to yourself, you’ll find yourself more enlightened, more happy, more loving – of yourself. After all, you are all you have in this world.

 

Love,

 

E

*PS: In my next post, I’ll discuss why many people are unsuccessful at dating because they place too much emphasis on the result – so keep watching this space!

Smile – Are you doing it enough?

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Each and every day I walk past so many people with sad faces, either looking down at their feet, busy on their mobile phones, or wondering aimlessly into space. Each and every day when I see these people I try to encourage them by giving them a smile, to acknowledge them and show that I have noticed them.

And in case you’re wondering – no I don’t do it because I am seeking attention. I do it because I am grateful for the life that I have been given and I believe that the gift of a smile is as great to give someone, as it is to receive in return. And that is why I carry a smile with me every single day. I do it because I want to, not because I have to.

Too many people are going through their days with empty expressions on their faces. I am a firm believer in that body expressions can actually allow us to have conversations we never imagined possible. By smiling to someone, you are communicating to them that 

  • They have just been noticed – by you
  • They are appreciated
  • They deserve attention
  • They are loved

How much of the above can you express to a stranger in a second (or two) without first having to get to know them? None. And this is where the power of a smile comes into play and its influence can be strong that it can literally create a good feeling in the other person throughout their whole day. 

Sure, we have days where things aren’t going as planned, and we physically don’t feel like smiling. But did you know that the physical act of angling the lips can lead to a psychological effect and influence your feelings? Research seems to think so: http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/smiling-happy1.htm

The way I see it – yes we may have a billion tasks on every day, and someone or something in this world is having a greater influence on our happiness, but nothing is more important than taking the time out to smile, to thank and appreciate others for sharing with us this beautiful life and world that we live in. 

Remember, that as humans, the number 1 importance is to be accepted by others. Whether you believe it or not, we strive in everything we do, in the work that we do, the money that we earn, the knowledge that we acquire, the clothes that we buy…. all to impress somebody at the end of the day. Sure, we do it for ourselves too, but all of these things add value to us, in order for us to be perceived at a higher status- by others. 

In our lifetime journey to strive for acceptance by others, it’s important that we do not forget to accept others in return. Hence, next time you’re walking down to the milk bar or the supermarket, or you’re grabbing that newspaper from the front of your house, or you’re ordering a coffee… just smile. Smile at everyone that you walk past, that you talk to, that you make eye contact with… just do it. 

Trust me, you’ll be both surprised and amazed at how many smiles you’ll receive in return, and the feeling that you get when that happens.

 

Good luck,

E

Cardinal Rule #1: Know Your Worth

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I cannot reiterate how important it is to know your self-worth when it comes to dating. It is important in 3 ways:

1) It shows that you are sure of who you are

2) It shows that you respect and love yourself

3) It shows that you will not lower your standards and values in order to please someone else

It’s not an easy habit to adopt, it is in fact, extremely hard. The reason why it’s so hard is because humans are conditioned to produce love for other people and we seek self-satisfaction from pleasing others, whether it is to provide support for our family, to help out a friend or colleague, to sexually satisfy our partner, or to provide for our significant other.

However, in the chaos of what we call life, we must constantly pause and remeasure and reflect on situations which will test our self-worth.

To give you a personal example, last night my best friend flew down from overseas to come spend sometime with me. I was thrilled to see her and after dinner we decided on a girls night out. A guy I’ve been seeing was also out and asked to see me. I told him that I was spending time with my best friend and if he really wants to see me he can meet me where I was. NOTE: I did not reply and say I wanted to see him too. I told him I was going to have a fun night out with/without him and that if he was to come, I was not going to prioritise him before my best friend (part of my values of integrity).

Long story short, he ended up coming to see me and told my friend (without even asking for her opinion) that he was going to have his ‘friend’ come and be her date (MISTAKE #1) and who, by the way, never showed up. I was having fun with my girl and other friends and didn’t really pay attention to him. So then what did he do? He decides to go speak to other women in the bar… as if to show me that he’s a desirable bachelor (MISTAKE #2). Then as we were sitting down he asked me to move away from my friend and to sit next to him (by the way we were sitting opposite each other) (MISTAKE #3). Of course I politely declined and said I am happy sitting where I am – next to my friend. Then, the BIGGEST MISTAKE he could have made was call my response ‘childish’ and say that I was not behaving like an ‘adult’. And then he got up and stormed out of the bar…

My response to that? OK

I remained nonchalant, i was neither happy nor sad about the situation. To be honest, I think I was just glad he left so I could enjoy my night. But, I was proud of myself – for holding to my own values, knowing my self-worth, and being confident/strong enough not to let him tell me who I am (adult or child). 

A few minutes later… he started sending msgs to me to meet up the next day… and calling me… and I just let it all ring through.

What I want to share with you all in my situation is the learning that you should never lower your standards in order to satisfy someone else. No matter how charming, gorgeous, muscular, tall, strongsexy that other person is. Because at the end of the day, looks fade, and what remains is character. And character is about how much that person shows you that he/she respects you (and your friends) and also about how they hold themselves in a public setting – how they carry themselves and their behaviour (towards both strangers and non strangers). 

This is the prime reason why often people meet someone who is extremely beautiful on the outside, only to find out that they are shallow, rude and disrespectful. Don’t be fooled by people’s exterior, because at the end of the day, you want to head into your grave knowing you lived a fulfilling life with a partner who taught you a lifetime worth of knowledge, than a partner who was a model at the age of 20 and was always the centre of the attention.

So, know your self-worth, remeasure and reflect on your values (this may be updated time to time as we get older), and never, EVER settle for less than you deserve. 

 

Love,

E