The 11 Differences…

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I found these 2 posts extremely valuable and had to share:

1. THE 11 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN DATING A BOY VS A MAN

http://justmytype.ca/11-differences-between-dating-a-boy-vs-a-man/

2. THE 11 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN DATING A GIRL VS A WOMAN

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-chan/dating-girls-and-women_b_4174422.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

 

Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta

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It’s not you… it’s me

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I think I hit Déjà vu this morning…. I think I’ve come to realize why so many relationships fail; why so many people suffer from rejection and why so many people fail to find love.

It’s got nothing, and I repeat, nothing to do with the other person.

Now listen to my next few words carefully and make sure you imprint them inside your head:

When we feel hurt, rejection, anger and all the other negative energies that exist in this world, it is because we allow ourselves to be open to those emotions. We allow ourselves to be walked over by others, and we affirm, rather than deny, that we are not good enough for someone else; for this world. We allow disconnection, rather than connection. Most often, we numb our pain, but in turn, we numb other emotions too, such as joy and happiness.The secret here is to realize that we can change what we allow ourselves to feel, and to respond to. Take control, say no to what you don’t want to allow yourself to feel.

E x

To all the broken hearts out there…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

– Marianne Williamson

Online dating… Is it worth it? (Part II)

Continuing on from my last blog, I would like to declare that I ended my online dating account yesterday.

Here were the last snapshots I took to reflect on in this post.

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First of all, I have to admit, online dating is hard. It’s actually deceivingly hard because you have only certain elements for you to evaluate the opposite sex:

1) profile picture

2) their bio

3) their message to you

All these things entail certain marketing strategies, and will determine whether you get a reply back and ultimately lead to a potential date. For e.g. what is the best way to introduce yourself to somebody? How do you come across as friendly (but not too friendly), confident (but not too cocky), nice (but still independent)… I mean far out… is it just me or is this actually hard work?

Online dating is difficult because it’s about establishing credibility with a stranger you’ve never met, it’s about opening yourself up to others and being vulnerable to feedback; to rejection. The topic of vulnerability is something I hold close to my heart and is a topic in which I’ll share in a post of its own.

To all those who think online dating is a joke, and it’s sorely for losers who can’t score dates in the real world… shame on you. Online dating is such a sacred place and yes, whilst it does have people who disrespect the value it can add, it has a lot of vulnerable individuals who have been heart broken before and who would like a second or third or fourth chance at finding real love.

Ultimately, I think online dating is great for increasing the chances you have at meeting the opposite sex, which in turn increases your probability of success at finding love.

One thing I do not like about online dating, is the means to market. Yes, marketing is essential in online dating (To increase the chances of being noticed, you have to have some-what of an attractive picture of yourself). However, I dislike the way online dating makes it about competition. If you look at the last picture I uploaded, and my so-called ‘popularity rank’ among others on the dating site, I find this ridiculous. More importantly, I find this extremely shameful act on the dating website because you can actually make a payment and ‘purchase’ an increase of your popularity. The more popular you are, the more you’ll be viewed by others.

I mean… COME ON! Online dating is already hard enough, let alone the need to pay to be ‘noticed’ more by strangers that you don’t know. I think rather than encouraging people to find one another on the website, this act actually increase competition, which in turn encourages vulnerability, shame, and self-loathing. All of which are fine if you’re content and happy with who you are, but the truth is, a majority of the people aren’t. That’s why they seek to find love online, because in many ways, the computer screen acts as a protective shield.

So to cap up, online dating has many benefits, but it also has many cracks (mostly to do with the need for these sites to make money). Ultimately I quit the website because this was purely done for research and the process wasn’t much of a thing for me. However, if you are online and seeking for love, I would recommend this:

1) Find a good and trustworthy website – make sure you do your research on all online dating sites to see what benefits it has to offer and one which will provide value for money

2) Be fun, and charismatic in your bio, and also in your reply

3) Go with the flow, don’t set high expectations and most importantly, have fun with it

I think if people took the approach of viewing online dating as a means to increase a bit of self-confidence and potentially meeting new friends rather than lovers, they will find themselves achieving much more success than they had anticipated.

 

Love,

E

 

First dates: The ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’

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If anyone has watched the movie ’50 first dates’ starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, it’s about a guy who falls in love with a girl who has anterograde amnesia and cannot form new memories. As a result, each day is a first date as he attempts to make her fall in love with him.

The point of bringing up the movie is to talk about the often dreaded, scariest & nerve-wrecking first dates: what you should and should not do.

Essentially, I don’t play by ‘the rules’. I think each person is allowed to express (to a certain extent) their individual personalities, rather than be a robot. However, I do think there are a few dos and don’ts for each and every first date. Enjoy:

1. Don’t be boring- you may think you’re not a boring person but trust me, with nerves of facing a stranger, you can have nothing to say and just end up talking about work, work, and… what you had for breakfast. Boring! First dates are about fun and excitement so please, research some jokes if you have to.

2. Don’t be overly serious- it’s okay to talk about ‘serious’ things such as your values or what you hold dear to heart, but I recommend keeping it light on the first date. Remember banter is quite good to have, so be playful, spontaneous and most of all, enjoy being yourself with someone else.

3. Don’t overshare- remember first dates are about discovering each other. So please, if you’ve had 5 minutes of convo time, pass the mic.

4. Don’t be too quick to judge- it’s a natural instinct for people to categorize their dates based on what he/she has said, or what they look like. Please try not to judge, you have known this person for how long? And nobody is perfect. Give others a chance to show you through second, third, fourth interactions.

5. Relax and be mindful of your body language- What does it mean? Well relax means.. Relax. Have fun, you’re on a date, enjoy yourself. Be mindful of your body language means make sure you give eye contact, don’t focus on areas where eyes are not suppose to go on a first date (guys I am talking to you here) and posture is quite important as well- standing tall makes you appear more confident. Now you may think how do I relax if I have to think about my body language? It’s all about practice practice and practice. Sometimes I tell my clients to take themselves out of their bodies (literally do this in real time) and reflect on their body language.. Doesn’t have to be on a date. And that’s how you learn to get more in tune with your own self.

6. Keep it short and simple- first dates are meant to be fun and easy-going. This means finding locations such as coffee shops, movies, bars…etc. Of course spontaneity such as adventure parks are great too but please, do not go on a date to swim with sharks or do a trek around amazon rain forest. So many things can go wrong & in light of things, don’t risk it. End the date light and casually after 1-2 hrs… 3 hrs is overkill.

7. Don’t be a sleaze- this one is pretty self explanatory & it is directed towards the men.

8. Dress nice and appropriately- dating is kind of like interviewing where you’re showcasing yourself. It’s a time where you get to put on your favorite outfits and display everything you have to offer (but please don’t over display). You may think “What’s the point?” What’s the point in dressing up when that person should like me for me! Well… Wrong. That person should like you for you but first dates are pretty much standard marketing. It’s about how you can sell the best of yourself and trust me, fashion does help a bit. Girls, I don’t mean go buy a 1,000 dress and guys a new suit, wear what you have but sass it up a bit! Lipstick, cologne, hair gel…etc.

9. Be yourself- I can’t emphasize this one more. Don’t think you have to impress the other party that you hide who you are and what you believe in.

10. Leave a little of mystery- this touches on Point 3– don’t feel like you have to advocate all of you on the first date. No, save a little for later dates. I like to think of the metaphor of a candy store. If you feed people all the candies in your store, they will most likely get sick and not come back. However, if you let then sample one candy at a time, it’s most likely to keep them interested. For those of you who have studied psychology, think the Skinner experiment and variable interval.

There are probably more than the above 10, but I feel they are the most important and probably easiest to accomplish as most are self-explanatory and are characteristics within every individual.

Good-luck!

E

Online dating… Is it worth it? (Part I)

In my research of dating and relationships, I decided to crack the code of online dating and see just what the fuss is all about. So naturally I signed myself up as the Guinea pig.

In the process of looking for a site to sign-up I came across many different websites, from RSVP, to E-harmony, to Zoosk… These are Australian websites, most which originated from America.

After browsing through some, I decided to sign myself up Zoosk, only because it was the easiest sign-up process, and also free (to an extent). That’s one thing I noticed with these dating websites… The whole dating process already requires money (dinners, drinks etc), why put another price on searching for your mate?

Naturally I used a pseudo name but uploaded a real photo of myself. In ‘Story’ section I wrote: “Interested to see what online dating is all about. Currently living in Sydney, Australia but will one day travel the world. Love a man who can make me laugh 🙂 xx” short and sweet. Note: it would have been shorted had I not been given a ‘minimum’ requirement of words to write.

It’s been about 15 hours since I last joined… And here are some photos:

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In just 15 hours (8 which I was asleep) without doing anything at all, I had close to 100 views and close to 70 adds and messages..

Before you think this is me promoting myself… It is not. Online dating is not my thing but I wondered about how courtship happens online.. How do people connect with others without coming across as too forward, too cocky or too desperate.

For example; I had a few messages saying: “Hi sexy” or “Hi cutie”.. Few others went straight to the point and gave their numbers to me.. And a few which were questions centered on me: “Tell me something about you” “Are you a yes or no girl?” And some questions centered around them: “If you want to learn about me, I am happy to answer your questions.”

This was interesting because I could easily weed out the creeps and the guys who were really on this thing to search for love, for compatibility. The strategy in which men chose to approach women differed dramatically but IMO fall into the following categories:

1. Question-based (asking about me)
2. Answer-based (telling me about them)
3. Point-based (giving out numbers or asking me out for a coffee/dinner/drinks)
4. Compliment-based (hi you’re cute, hello sexy)

Which one of the above is more effective?

Stay tuned for Part II of this blog…

Love,

E

How good of a player are you?

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Recently, I was talking to a close friend of mine and I asked her: “How do you play the game?”

She replied: “I play the dumb fox.” Basically what that means is she let’s the guy think he’s in charge whilst she runs the show from behind.

Great move isn’t it? I dug some more into this topic and looked into what differentiates great players in dating from those not so great. And last night, I reached an epiphany. Ultimately, the best players of the game are not playing anybody else’s game but their own. 

Confused? Let me explain.

Think about a time in your dating life where someone else has liked you more than you liked them. All you did was carried on with your life and gave them little attention. All they did was revolve around your life and asked for more attention. The result? It drove you nuts and made you dislike them more.

Let’s just rest a bit on that example because I think there is something far more important than the obvious which is the person you like less thinks you’re playing ‘the game’ truly well, and you have them 100% under your spell. But what I started to notice was what if this ‘meh’ attitude carried on? What if you continued on your life the way that you want, and did everything to please yourself and yourself only? Then what do we have?

The answer is clear: You become an independent thinker, and independent mover and an overall independent person. That my friends, is something that is as powerful, as alluring, as sexy and as desirable than any. game. on. the. planet.

Throw away everything you have read about dating; about relationships, about courtships and about men and women. Learn instead, how to become more confident, independent and most importantly, comfortable with who you are as a person. Because once you reach that stage, where you don’t let somebody else’s thoughts or actions dictate your life, then you have truly made it on top.

It’s not easy, but it’s not difficult either. It takes practice, and a whole lot of courage.

Sure, there are people out there who are ‘dating masters’ and who have all these tricks up their sleeves about how to attract men and women. But that is still following a ‘rule book’, it requires constant judgement, constant manipulation and constant step-by-step evaluation. When you release yourself from the guide of what you should/should not do, you start to become just you, and do what you love doing.

Remember, there is no right or wrong in dating. It’s not all about making someone else like you more, it’s about getting out there and showing others: This is who I am. Take it or leave it.

Good-luck!

E