THE BEST DATING SECRET YOU’LL EVER HEAR (PART II)

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In my previous post: https://lovethedatinggame.wordpress.com/2013/11/15/the-best-dating-secret-youll-ever-hear-part-i/ I wrote about how men and women misread signs from each other, and also the reasons why many are unsuccessful at dating because they either

1) Mis-read the signs from the opposite sex

2) Indulge in self-doubt

3) Place too much emphasis on the result

In this post, I would like to talk about point number 2

Self-doubt (noun): lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities. This simple meaning derived from a Google search summarizes the biggest problem of today’s generation – people do not have the belief, faith, and confidence in themselves. This may be a result of the media and advertising telling us we’re too fat, too anorexic, too tall, too short.. eating away at what little confidence we have left. 

But, I’d like to think that whilst it has a part to do with external factors, it’s large attributed to us, and our self control in allowing what can affect us. And based on that, it’s time to revisit what is really important – our core values. Our core values are what we hold important to us, and what we like to hold others accountable for. Examples are such:

1. Trustworthy, dependable, loyal, committed, consistent

2. Loving, caring, honest, fun-loving

3. Humorous, adventurous, positive, optimistic

4. Inspiring, passionate, courageous, educated

If you remeasure yourself against some of the values listed above, do you find yourself smiling a lot more? This is because we have got to stop focusing on our exterior and pay more attention to our interior, the ‘stuff’ that really matters. Learn to tell yourself everyday that you tick so many boxes on these core values and that is how you become more confident, and in turn, say goodbye to that self-doubt.

NB: I just want to make a clarification here on the difference between indulging in self-doubt and indulging in vulnerability. The former is about being your own enemy and not engaging in self-love. The later is about acknowledging that you are not perfect (and it’s OK no one is), and embracing imperfection, and having the courage to admit to it, and still love yourself. Author and researcher Brene Brown does a fantastic talk on this topic, you can find her TedTalk here: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

By practicing talking positive to yourself, you’ll find yourself more enlightened, more happy, more loving – of yourself. After all, you are all you have in this world.

 

Love,

 

E

*PS: In my next post, I’ll discuss why many people are unsuccessful at dating because they place too much emphasis on the result – so keep watching this space!

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Smile – Are you doing it enough?

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Each and every day I walk past so many people with sad faces, either looking down at their feet, busy on their mobile phones, or wondering aimlessly into space. Each and every day when I see these people I try to encourage them by giving them a smile, to acknowledge them and show that I have noticed them.

And in case you’re wondering – no I don’t do it because I am seeking attention. I do it because I am grateful for the life that I have been given and I believe that the gift of a smile is as great to give someone, as it is to receive in return. And that is why I carry a smile with me every single day. I do it because I want to, not because I have to.

Too many people are going through their days with empty expressions on their faces. I am a firm believer in that body expressions can actually allow us to have conversations we never imagined possible. By smiling to someone, you are communicating to them that 

  • They have just been noticed – by you
  • They are appreciated
  • They deserve attention
  • They are loved

How much of the above can you express to a stranger in a second (or two) without first having to get to know them? None. And this is where the power of a smile comes into play and its influence can be strong that it can literally create a good feeling in the other person throughout their whole day. 

Sure, we have days where things aren’t going as planned, and we physically don’t feel like smiling. But did you know that the physical act of angling the lips can lead to a psychological effect and influence your feelings? Research seems to think so: http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/smiling-happy1.htm

The way I see it – yes we may have a billion tasks on every day, and someone or something in this world is having a greater influence on our happiness, but nothing is more important than taking the time out to smile, to thank and appreciate others for sharing with us this beautiful life and world that we live in. 

Remember, that as humans, the number 1 importance is to be accepted by others. Whether you believe it or not, we strive in everything we do, in the work that we do, the money that we earn, the knowledge that we acquire, the clothes that we buy…. all to impress somebody at the end of the day. Sure, we do it for ourselves too, but all of these things add value to us, in order for us to be perceived at a higher status- by others. 

In our lifetime journey to strive for acceptance by others, it’s important that we do not forget to accept others in return. Hence, next time you’re walking down to the milk bar or the supermarket, or you’re grabbing that newspaper from the front of your house, or you’re ordering a coffee… just smile. Smile at everyone that you walk past, that you talk to, that you make eye contact with… just do it. 

Trust me, you’ll be both surprised and amazed at how many smiles you’ll receive in return, and the feeling that you get when that happens.

 

Good luck,

E

Cardinal Rule #1: Know Your Worth

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I cannot reiterate how important it is to know your self-worth when it comes to dating. It is important in 3 ways:

1) It shows that you are sure of who you are

2) It shows that you respect and love yourself

3) It shows that you will not lower your standards and values in order to please someone else

It’s not an easy habit to adopt, it is in fact, extremely hard. The reason why it’s so hard is because humans are conditioned to produce love for other people and we seek self-satisfaction from pleasing others, whether it is to provide support for our family, to help out a friend or colleague, to sexually satisfy our partner, or to provide for our significant other.

However, in the chaos of what we call life, we must constantly pause and remeasure and reflect on situations which will test our self-worth.

To give you a personal example, last night my best friend flew down from overseas to come spend sometime with me. I was thrilled to see her and after dinner we decided on a girls night out. A guy I’ve been seeing was also out and asked to see me. I told him that I was spending time with my best friend and if he really wants to see me he can meet me where I was. NOTE: I did not reply and say I wanted to see him too. I told him I was going to have a fun night out with/without him and that if he was to come, I was not going to prioritise him before my best friend (part of my values of integrity).

Long story short, he ended up coming to see me and told my friend (without even asking for her opinion) that he was going to have his ‘friend’ come and be her date (MISTAKE #1) and who, by the way, never showed up. I was having fun with my girl and other friends and didn’t really pay attention to him. So then what did he do? He decides to go speak to other women in the bar… as if to show me that he’s a desirable bachelor (MISTAKE #2). Then as we were sitting down he asked me to move away from my friend and to sit next to him (by the way we were sitting opposite each other) (MISTAKE #3). Of course I politely declined and said I am happy sitting where I am – next to my friend. Then, the BIGGEST MISTAKE he could have made was call my response ‘childish’ and say that I was not behaving like an ‘adult’. And then he got up and stormed out of the bar…

My response to that? OK

I remained nonchalant, i was neither happy nor sad about the situation. To be honest, I think I was just glad he left so I could enjoy my night. But, I was proud of myself – for holding to my own values, knowing my self-worth, and being confident/strong enough not to let him tell me who I am (adult or child). 

A few minutes later… he started sending msgs to me to meet up the next day… and calling me… and I just let it all ring through.

What I want to share with you all in my situation is the learning that you should never lower your standards in order to satisfy someone else. No matter how charming, gorgeous, muscular, tall, strongsexy that other person is. Because at the end of the day, looks fade, and what remains is character. And character is about how much that person shows you that he/she respects you (and your friends) and also about how they hold themselves in a public setting – how they carry themselves and their behaviour (towards both strangers and non strangers). 

This is the prime reason why often people meet someone who is extremely beautiful on the outside, only to find out that they are shallow, rude and disrespectful. Don’t be fooled by people’s exterior, because at the end of the day, you want to head into your grave knowing you lived a fulfilling life with a partner who taught you a lifetime worth of knowledge, than a partner who was a model at the age of 20 and was always the centre of the attention.

So, know your self-worth, remeasure and reflect on your values (this may be updated time to time as we get older), and never, EVER settle for less than you deserve. 

 

Love,

E

The Best Dating Secret You’ll Ever Hear (Part I)

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I’ve recently received quite few emails asking for advice of how to pick up women/pick up men… so I thought I’d write a post here and clarify something.

First of all. If you think I am a pickup artist or if you think my blog is teaching people about how to manipulate the opposite sex, and about learning how to ‘play the game’, then I’m afraid you have come to the wrong place. Please feel free to unsubscribe from my blog and continue pursuing down that pathway you’ve been headed.

Despite my blog’s name, if you have been following my posts and read my introduction page, this blog is actually about coaching people about what REAL love is; about what REAL dating is, about what REAL relationship is, and about what REAL chemistry is. And let me just put it out there – it has NOTHING to do with playing games and EVERYTHING to do with common sense.

So that’s it – I’ve put my secret out there – this blog is about coaching people common sense.

I don’t believe the myth that men are players and women must beware. No, I think this is a myth created by women, for the protection of… women. Men are actually quite simple and straight forward, you are just not smart at reading the signs.

Women on the other hand, can also be classified as being too complicated. Whilst this is true to an extent (because women are more sensitive to emotion detection than  men), at the end of the day, women just want to be dominated, listened to, and communicated with.

Seriously, it may be tough algebra with some extended formulas, but you can figure it out.

The reason why many are unsuccessful at dating is because they fall into 3 categories

1) They mis-read the signs from the opposite sex

2) They indulge in self-doubt

3) They place too much emphasis on the result

Being that I have already clarified point number 1, I will clarify points 2 & 3 in my next posts… stay tuned.

 

Love,

E

STOP apologizing and START embracing

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NO. I will not apologize for my insecurities. I will not apologize for my body, its curves and lines. I will not apologize for my shyness. I will not apologize for my shortness. I will not apologize for my slanty eyes. I will not apologize for not making even three figures. I will not apologize for my choice of sexuality. And I will definitely not apologize for being myself.

The above are just some types of insecurities that both men and women go through in their minds when it comes to dating. And no matter how attractive someone is, each one of us has to a degree, some sort of insecurity. So let’s just talk about it here and let it out in the open.

You may dislike a body part; an aspect of your personal or work life might not be working out the way you had hoped to; or you behave in ways that are different from ‘societal norms’ hence subjected to judgement… whatever it may be, you need to learn how to embrace your flaws, and use them to your power.

To give you an example, one of my friends/client recently went into a store to purchase some jeans. She was told by the sales assistant that to serve her body shape, she will need to try another store as the jeans they had did not cater up to a size 14 booty. In that instant moment, my friend could have felt guilty, she could have felt embarrassment, and worse, shame. But you know what she did? She looked into the sales assistant’s eyes and replied firmly: “It’s ok. Thanks for your suggestion, but I don’t think the jeans you stock in your store could handle the junk in my trunk anyway.” And then she picked up herself (and her booty) and left a stunned sales assistant behind.

What I want you all to note from my friend’s example is that she was not rude to the sales assistant. She was not angry, but rather, calm and bemused. I like to use the word nonchalant, French terminology meaning cool, unconcerned, indifferent. She stunned the sales assistant because rather than using retaliation/objection or displaying emotions of hurt, she agreed with what the sales assistant saw as a ‘flaw’ but she, herself saw as an ‘attribute’.

Your imperfections are what makes you beautiful. Don’t let anybody else tell you any different.

This is what I want all of you to take home from this post: You have ALL got to stop harming your bodies, your brains and your emotions to serve other people, and to make yourself into some ‘ideal’ person. Who are you to say that you are not beautiful, attractive, charming and smart? And who are you to criticize yourself when you can never see yourself from an outsiders’ perspective? Who are you to judge yourself based on your negative qualities rather than your positive qualities? And who the damn are you to conclude that you are not enough?

I want to share with you all a quote that is quite dear to my heart. I first came across it when watching the film Coach Carter:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

– Marianne Williamson

Be kind to one another. But most importantly, be kind to yourself.

 

Love,

E