The Best Dating Secret You’ll Ever Hear (Part I)

10. Secret

I’ve recently received quite few emails asking for advice of how to pick up women/pick up men… so I thought I’d write a post here and clarify something.

First of all. If you think I am a pickup artist or if you think my blog is teaching people about how to manipulate the opposite sex, and about learning how to ‘play the game’, then I’m afraid you have come to the wrong place. Please feel free to unsubscribe from my blog and continue pursuing down that pathway you’ve been headed.

Despite my blog’s name, if you have been following my posts and read my introduction page, this blog is actually about coaching people about what REAL love is; about what REAL dating is, about what REAL relationship is, and about what REAL chemistry is. And let me just put it out there – it has NOTHING to do with playing games and EVERYTHING to do with common sense.

So that’s it – I’ve put my secret out there – this blog is about coaching people common sense.

I don’t believe the myth that men are players and women must beware. No, I think this is a myth created by women, for the protection of… women. Men are actually quite simple and straight forward, you are just not smart at reading the signs.

Women on the other hand, can also be classified as being too complicated. Whilst this is true to an extent (because women are more sensitive to emotion detection than  men), at the end of the day, women just want to be dominated, listened to, and communicated with.

Seriously, it may be tough algebra with some extended formulas, but you can figure it out.

The reason why many are unsuccessful at dating is because they fall into 3 categories

1) They mis-read the signs from the opposite sex

2) They indulge in self-doubt

3) They place too much emphasis on the result

Being that I have already clarified point number 1, I will clarify points 2 & 3 in my next posts… stay tuned.

 

Love,

E

STOP apologizing and START embracing

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NO. I will not apologize for my insecurities. I will not apologize for my body, its curves and lines. I will not apologize for my shyness. I will not apologize for my shortness. I will not apologize for my slanty eyes. I will not apologize for not making even three figures. I will not apologize for my choice of sexuality. And I will definitely not apologize for being myself.

The above are just some types of insecurities that both men and women go through in their minds when it comes to dating. And no matter how attractive someone is, each one of us has to a degree, some sort of insecurity. So let’s just talk about it here and let it out in the open.

You may dislike a body part; an aspect of your personal or work life might not be working out the way you had hoped to; or you behave in ways that are different from ‘societal norms’ hence subjected to judgement… whatever it may be, you need to learn how to embrace your flaws, and use them to your power.

To give you an example, one of my friends/client recently went into a store to purchase some jeans. She was told by the sales assistant that to serve her body shape, she will need to try another store as the jeans they had did not cater up to a size 14 booty. In that instant moment, my friend could have felt guilty, she could have felt embarrassment, and worse, shame. But you know what she did? She looked into the sales assistant’s eyes and replied firmly: “It’s ok. Thanks for your suggestion, but I don’t think the jeans you stock in your store could handle the junk in my trunk anyway.” And then she picked up herself (and her booty) and left a stunned sales assistant behind.

What I want you all to note from my friend’s example is that she was not rude to the sales assistant. She was not angry, but rather, calm and bemused. I like to use the word nonchalant, French terminology meaning cool, unconcerned, indifferent. She stunned the sales assistant because rather than using retaliation/objection or displaying emotions of hurt, she agreed with what the sales assistant saw as a ‘flaw’ but she, herself saw as an ‘attribute’.

Your imperfections are what makes you beautiful. Don’t let anybody else tell you any different.

This is what I want all of you to take home from this post: You have ALL got to stop harming your bodies, your brains and your emotions to serve other people, and to make yourself into some ‘ideal’ person. Who are you to say that you are not beautiful, attractive, charming and smart? And who are you to criticize yourself when you can never see yourself from an outsiders’ perspective? Who are you to judge yourself based on your negative qualities rather than your positive qualities? And who the damn are you to conclude that you are not enough?

I want to share with you all a quote that is quite dear to my heart. I first came across it when watching the film Coach Carter:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

– Marianne Williamson

Be kind to one another. But most importantly, be kind to yourself.

 

Love,

E

Vulnerability.. why we need to let go of who we think we’re supposed to be, in order to become who we truly are

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In every aspect of our lives, not just dating, the theme of vulnerability keeps creeping up, and I feel it is very important that I write one, or more posts on this topic, and lament to you how important it is that we allow ourselves truly see, and in turn, be seen by everyone around us.

In order to do so, we must let go of the concept or predisposition of who we think we are, or how we think we are suppose to behave. Instead, we must let our guards down in order to feel the beauty of human emotion; the beauty of being raw, and in turn, human connection. 

Rather than going into a lengthy post, I’d like to describe to you what vulnerability means to me and what I have learnt in order to become more vulnerable:

1. To see myself for who I am, flaws and all, and still love myself.

2. To not hold judgement against others and their wrong doings, and to realize that at the end of the day, we are all just humans trying to ‘make it’ in this big scary world.

3. To not be affected by the words or wrong doings of others – to appreciate that they could have had a bad day, or they could have reasons to which made them act the way they did. 

4. To let go, and not seek control over situations or people.

5. To appreciate everyone around me, and be genuinely interested in people, regardless of what my predisposed thoughts are upon meeting them. 

6. To shift focus away from using words such as ‘me, myself, I’

7. To not criticize myself if something doesn’t go the way I imagined it to go, and to be OK with the unknown.

8. To be truly confident – which means knowing that my weaknesses are what makes me beautiful and unique.

9. To have the courage to love, even after being hurt again and again.

10. To have faith in the goodness of other people, and remind myself each and everyday: To treat others how I would like to be treated in return.

 

…more to come.

 

Sincerely,

E

Waking up every…

Waking up everyday and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow – that’s vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. Yes, it’s scary and yes, we’re open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?

– Brene Brown

Flirting – do you know how?

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My apologies, I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I’ve been engulfed in research – of men and women.

Since my last post, I’ve gone on a few dates, interviewed a dozen of women and really took some time out to think about the whole picture.

In this post I want to talk about the art of flirting and how if not done properly, it can actually lead to negative consequences.

First of all I want to define what flirting actually is. According to the trusted Google, flirting means to ‘behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions.’ You can see that the word means to ‘behave’ i.e. it’s a verb which describes an action.

I like to think of flirting in 2 parts: 1) Physical 2) Emotional. Let me break it down for you.

The physical aspects of flirting is not only to do with your body language, the way you carry yourself, but also the expression you carry on your face. Put altogether, these have a lot to do with who you are as a character – whether you’re charismatic, fun, charming or whether you are boring, serious, shy. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being boring, serious or shy, but in the first moment of meeting a stranger who you have no relationship with, it doesn’t help speed up the process of talking to one another (certainly doesn’t make you approachable – men or women). So if you are an introvert and shy, put a little smile on your dial 🙂

The emotional aspects of flirting is through your tongue – the use of your language, and the choice of words you use. Most often, men and women both err in this category because they mistakenly think that they must ‘put on a mask’ or ‘put on a show’ in order to impress the other person. Women do this by excessive eye contact, being overly provocative with words and smiling… too much. Men do this by being too forward, not being charismatic in their chit chat, and not picking up on the social cues given by the same/opposite sex.

Sounds complicated? Not really. When done properly and appropriately, flirting can be fun, exhilarating and empowering. You just need to know how to exercise your flirty side, and when to pull back, so not to give others the wrong opinion of you.

To give you a personal example, I was at a bar last week and I met a guy. Me being confident and willing to explore this whole new dating adventure, I gave him the ‘eye’ and ended up chatting to him. Little did I realize, because I was so charmed by this guy, I was smiling a little excessively (thanks to the alcohol too) and complimenting him probably a bit too much… to which he asked me: “Honest question.. how many guys are you seeing at the moment?” I think I was quite taken back at that moment, but I didn’t let it phase me. I called one of my guy friends immediately after and asked him how I might have been mistaken, and how I can improve myself for next time. He told me I probably came on ‘too confident’ and ‘too strong’ in my flirting ways with this guy, to which the guy felt a bit threatened/intimidated.

YES – excessive flirting can turn off people! It will suggest to them that you do this often on a regular basis, and you can get anyone to like you instantly, but, it doesn’t make them trust the real you, as your facade is getting in the way of your ability to develop real meaningful conversations/friendships/relationships.

So, the way to ‘correctly’ flirt.. is to show a bit of your charismatic/fun/wild side, but then pull back a little. Let the other person see your vulnerable side. Let them realize that as charming as you are, at the end of the day, you are still a human being. This requires not only a balance, but more importantly, an awareness of how you conduct yourself and your conversations in public.

Good luck!

E

The difference between ‘playing games’ and being ‘confident’

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“What do I got to make her want me more?” or “How should I reply to his message?” are few of the many questions I get asked by people when it comes to this myth of playing this ‘hard to get’ games.

IMO I don’t believe in games, I believe in being confident and knowing when and how to ask for what you want. I’ve created a list of the differences between the two. Enjoy.

1. Playing the game is deliberately waiting a couple of hours (sometimes even few days) to reply to text messages. Confidence is being able to reply when you are available and have the time: It could be the next second, or it could literally be the next day.

2. Playing the game is walking into a room, scanning the room, waiting to be noticed. Confidence is walking into a room, not caring who’s looking at you but knowing that you are worthy of being noticed.

3. Playing the game is making the other person chase you for as long as you can make them chase. Confidence is you taking the initiative and making suggestions of where you‘d like to go.

4. Playing the game is feeling insecure or down when you sense rejection coming your way, or when you are rejected. Confidence is overlooking rejection and realizing it’s got nothing to do with you as a person – you kick ass and that’s the end of the story.

5. Playing the game is seeking for reassurance and compliments and using those as determinants of whether the other person is into you. Confidence is knowing that you are sexy, smart, determined and all of the positive adjectives in the English dictionary, and truly believing in it.

6. Playing the game is about always waiting, and about who can play the ‘time game’ better. Confidence is not caring about how much time has passed in between when you last spoke, because you have better things to do with your life.

7. Playing the game is about seeking others for advice and feedback when something goes unexpected in your love life. Confidence is not inviting the opinions of others because you stand by your actions, whether right or wrong. Either way you will learn something and come out a better person.

8. Playing the game is about that excitement when you get a text message from someone you’ve been trying to court, and they finally give in to messaging you first. Confidence is about not caring and sending out that first message.

9. Playing the game is about always wanting to ‘win’, wanting more than one person to like you at the one time. Confidence is not about seeking validation from a number of different people. But rather, establishing an emotional connection with another human being. Sometimes you find that person, other times you don’t. And knowing it’s okay when you don’t, because life is not about ‘winning’, it’s about the experience.

10. Playing the game is about finding yourself liking another person and then putting them on a pedestal. Confidence is knowing how much value you possess and believing anybody who is lucky enough to meet you should be able to see it too.

Sincerely,

E